A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won Rs.5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''Rs.2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs Rs.5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's Rs.10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
5.Open Letter to Bill Gates
Dear Bill Gates,
This letter is from Mr. Santa from Punjab. We have got a computer in our home and we face some Problem, which I want to bring to your notice.
After connecting to Internet we planned to open an email account. Whenever we fill the Form of Hotmail in password field only * comes, but in rest of the fields whatever we typed comes. We are facing problem only in Password field.
We checked with Hardware vendor and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we have opened the email account with password *****.
But I request you to check this as we our self don't know what is the password!
The next one is that we are unable to enter anything after we shut down the computer. There is a button for start but not for pause, stop as in stereo recorder. We request you to add the same in future.
There is a option as RUN in menu. This one of my neighbor after clicking started running and he has run up to Amritsar from Chandigarh. So we request you change that to SIT. So that we can click it by sitting.
One doubt is that can I click Re cycle bin. I own a scooter in my home. Is there a separate option as Re scooter bin available in the system?
In Microsoft outlook we are able to see the outer view of the mail. Is there an in look through which we can have inner view of the mail?
The last one is my wife has lost the door key of our house. So I searched for the same in search option of start icon. But I did not find the same there also, Is it a bug?
Rest In next letter.
6.Bored of using mobiles:
This is the story of Santa and Banta, Both of them got bored of using mobiles........
Santa : Boss enough mobile use
Banta: Yes yaar they are taking money from us like anything.
Santa: How we can communicate without mobile yaar.
Banta : Yaar we will keep pigeons and through them we will send our messages.
We will tie our chits to their legs. So they kept pigeons and Santa singh first sent one pigeon to Banta singh.
The pigeon reached Banta's house but Banta was not able to find any messages tied.
Banta to Santa : What yaar pigeon reached in time but I was not able to find the message attached to it.
Santa Are Yaar That was a missed call I sent to you.
7.Java Interview attended by our dear Banta
Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more
Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.
Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
8.Santa at railway station
Santa Singh is at the railway station. He asks a man "When will Rajdhani Express go from here?"
Man Replies 12.30.
"When will Deccan Queen go from here?"
Man Replies 11.30.
"When will Punjab Express go from here?"
Man Replies 10.30.
Santa singh goes on asking about all the trains. Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by train or not. Santa replies, "No I just want to cross the tracks!"
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
10. Factory workers
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
12. Biggest lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
13. 3 Restaurants
There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
14. Trains Are Always Late
A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
15. Looking for a Wife
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."
17. Elderly couple
A lovely elderly couple, who'd been married for 50 years, went to McDonalds to celebrate their anniversary. The man ordered one meal…carried it back to where his wife was sitting…and proceeded to carefully cut the hamburger in two…and count out all the chips so he and his wife had exactly the same number on each plate. As the old man started eating his meal, a young man sitting nearby came up to the table and said… “I’d like to buy you another meal so you can have more to eat.”
The old man said “thank you very much, but my wife and I share everything.”
The old man kept eating and the young man couldn’t help but notice that his wife sat opposite him, but didn’t touch her meal.
The young man felt compelled to go back to the couple’s table…”please”, he asked the old lady this time, “let me buy you another meal so you don’t go hungry.”
“No” the old lady said…”thanks very much for the offer, but my husband and I share everything.”
The old man kept eating…he finished the rest of his half-burger and all his allocation of chips…and sat back, wiping his mouth gently with his napkin.
The young man noticed that the old lady just sat there…she hadn’t touched any of her food…she hadn’t taken one bite!
The young man couldn’t help himself…and went back to the couple’s table a third time and said “excuse me” to the old lady, “…but I don’t understand, why haven’t you had any of your meal…you’ve sat there and watched your husband eat and you haven’t had anything at all”
The old lady looked at him and politely said…”my husband and I have been married a long time… we share everything…even the teeth!”
18. Corporate Lessons
"We will do it"
Means "U will do it."
"U have done a great job"
Means "More work will be given to u."
"We r a team"
Means "I am not the only one to be blamed."
"That is a good question"
Means "I do not know anything about it."
"All the best "
Means "U r in trouble." :)
19.Solution for late comers
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
'Boss', he said, ' The pill actually worked!'
'That's all fine' said the boss, ' But where were you yesterday?'
20. Reason for leaving
'Why did you leave your last job?'
'Something the boss said.'
'Was he abusive?'
'What did he say, then?'
21. Paper Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
'Need some help?' a secretary asked.
'Yes,' he replied. 'How does this thing work?'
'Simple,' she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
'Thanks, but where do the copies come out?'
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. 'What is the meaning of this?' the director asked. 'When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.'
'Well,' the young man replied, 'in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.'
Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is
when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is
something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for
employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in
the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing
the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will
be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will
be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two
minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The
CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some
information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for
two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be
seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will
eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will
be safe, and as usual it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear.
It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.
24.Who is the boss?
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local
sign shop and bought a small sign that read: 'I'm the Boss!' He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch,
he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: 'Your wife called, she wants her sign back!'